Eclectic Muddlehood

How's this for a perplexing beginning? I am a great many things, but none of them are me. At least not in my entirety. This is the little corner where I attempt to make the whole greater than the sum of its parts as I muddle through being a wife, a mother and a woman... among other things.

Location: Virginia, United States

Here, in no particular order, is a short list of my parts from the mundane to the pretentious, some or all of which may surface in future attempts to work on the whole: wife, mother, doula, childbirth educator, writer, yoga student, homeschooler, amature organic gardner, kitchen witch, all-around foodie, spiritual truth-seeker, daughter, clutter-bug, complusive list maker, bibliophile, homemaker, friend, homebirth/natural birth advocate, impulse shopper, wine snob, knitter, artist, lover, sensuist, and email junkie (There may be more later, but that's it for now.)

Monday, April 03, 2006

Who's Mailing List Am I On????

So I'm sorting through the mail today and sifting out bills from junk, from catalogs and other random wastes of perfectly good trees when I spy a catalog with a cute looking one-piece swimsuit on the front. As much as I try to deny my materialistic side, I love flipping through a mail-order catalog as much as the next American woman, so I drop the rest of the mail and begin leafing through it. When on page four, the playful joy of catalog window shopping evaporates instantly as I see the following header sprawled across the middle of the page- "Tummy Control Swimwear"

Not only do I find this concept absurd at this particular moment in my life, being seven months pregnant with twins, but also what invisible threshold did I stumble across without my knowledge that has led me from the Victoria's Secret Christmas catalog to a catalog touting artificially abdominally restrictive beachwear?? And this catalog has pages of it!

After the "Miraclesuit" which guarantees with it's trademark slogan that you will "Look 10 lbs. lighter in 10 seconds" comes a slew of products I find just as worrisome:

~ Lip Plumper- so I apparently need a skinnier belly, but fatter lips?

~Anti-Aging Hand Cream- now I have a fat belly, skimpy lips and decrepit hands? Just great!

~Eye Cream designed "for serious dark circles only"- are you getting a really appealing image of me yet?

~Face Lift In A Bag- no, I am not making that up...

And just when I am about to fall off my chair, laughing in horror, I find the ultimate product. For the woman who is falling apart from head to toe, yet still desperately trying to hold it together, they have these nifty little bifocal glasses that are missing half a lens on one side, so you can wear your glasses and put your eyeliner on straight at the same time!

I would be happy to forward this innovative piece of junk to anyone looking for a good laugh. Goodness only knows I had a blast leafing through it after all!


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